Hello, Remember Me?

I get these weeks – we all do – when I have a hard time connecting to the world. It really borderlines on being an antisocial issue at times. I get drawn into my head, and fixate on something that needs to be done, then I get this crazy tunnelvision, and lose touch with the world, or rather, the people in it. I shop, I eat, yeah. I take my son to the things he needs to do, but if it isn’t mandatory and scheduled, I won’t take part in it.

I don’t call people. I don’t reach out. Sometimes it even bleeds into the next week. I never really realized I did this until I really looked at my social time with friends, and I got the pattern. Then I felt a little ill. I was taking part in blocking myself off. Shutting down. Keeping myself to myself, which is okay, except for the part where I shut others out by not contacting them.

I don’t know if you are like this. Maybe we all are, but how do we keep up those relationships? Be a good friend? Call our mothers, and still get that alone time we all need?

It might be different for you, but for me, I need a BING! on my phone. A calendar to write in names on days when I make a point to call them; A continual lifeline back to the world. I found if I constantly schedule things, with enough alone time in between, I won’t lose that link. I won’t shut myself away. Well, I do, but not for as long as I used to.

I do know that nothing is more beautiful in the world than the people in it. I remind myself of that, noting that a work of art is pretty. A fresh design, clean and lovely. A nice, tidy house is wonderful. However, a good exchange with a friend is irreplaceable. Spending time making macaroni art with my son is more meaningful than any of the art my Illustrator marathons can produce.  Seeing my boy’s face light up at the prospect of spending one uninterrupted hour with me playing trucks is more beautiful and fulfilling than any house project, painted wall, or manicured garden can ever be to me. Further, I will not have this time with him again. He will grow, make lots of friends, and be off on his own someday. The wall will be there. The garden will be there. This time will not be.

My life has been spent creating things. Creating a beautiful home, beautiful jewelry. Beautiful art. Beautiful food, and parties. All of these things are lovely in their own way, and under no circumstances will I ever stop creating and moving through the world in my own way.  Now, however, instead of just making things, I have been trying also to balance that with more time making connections, interactions, and moments. Sharing myself with others and making the world beautiful in that way as well. Putting good energy out there. It sounds very simple, but you would be surprised how often we forget to balance this. I want, before any more time slips by, to reconnect and exchange as much as I can with the people in the world, rather than the things of the world. It might sound hurtful to some that I would have to write a name into a calendar to remember to say “hi” but when you consider that you write your most important things down, isn’t this just as important?

So as a challenge to you, in your own way, I urge you to check in and be sure you are happy with your days, feel complete in the time you spend with your loved ones, confident that if tomorrow never comes, you know that they’re sure you love and cherish them.

Road Trip!

Sitting here, by the fire, the boy is asleep, which weighs a little on me because he has a fever, and I always get freaked out by fevers, probably due in part to my mother continually instilling a great fear in me growing up relating to fevers. I had to lie in bed and wasn’t allowed to move. I wasn’t allowed near doors, windows or even the refrigerator with a fever. I remember her calling from work barking, “YOU AREN”T NEAR THAT FRIDGE ARE YOU?! STAY AWAY FROM THAT FRIDGE!” These days when my son gets a fever, I am on him like a mother hen,  taking it three times at a turn just to get an average, so by the time he goes to bed, I will have already taken his temperature roughly 37 times.

That’s about all that’s weighing on me right now, though, despite my continual motivation to heal my heart. And by heart, I mean soul, too. Next week, I am taking a somewhat spontaneous, 1500 mile road trip with my boy. It’s needed. It must happen. And it’s good for the soul.

Many years ago, when somewhere in the back of my mind I decided that others’ opinions of what I did and said was far more sound and practical than mine, I stopped following my adventure-seeking heart, and stopped taking road trips. I loved road trips, with all my heart and soul. Nothing brought me more joy than jumping in the car and driving somewhere I’d never been before. I loved the spontanaeity. I loved the travel. I just loved being in the car. And the escape. Driving. Going somewhere different. Changing it up. Seeing the world, and driving along it. I always felt, when I was taking road trips, that I was really living WITHIN the world, not just in some small corner of it, taking up space day in and day out. When I was on a road trip, I was travelling THROUGH the world. Devouring the highway, and soaking in the air, and the weather, and the little bits of the yet unseen world I was passing along.

Years later, I still love road trips, but until now, have found reasons to push them aside. “I have a kid. I have a house to run. I am building 2 business ventures. I take care of my son all day. I make dinner. I clean. I run errands. And then, I just want time to talk to my husband every now and then. And then there’s reading. And the artwork. Family committments.”  Just like everyone else does, my life is no less or more filled.

Recently though, I’ve found, that if I don’t make time for things I love, I will continue miserably day in and out, feeling as if my existence is somehow less colorful or exciting than it used to be. We all know that is not true at all. We all know it’s just a matter of priorities, and finally, FINALLY after about 15 years, I am getting my priorities back in line with what they used to be before I started listening to everyone else tell me what my life should be.  It’s time to stop filling up my days with excuses for not living.

I have gotten a few bizarre looks when I’ve mentioned my spontaneous, long, unusual road trip with my little pint-sized boy. “Isn’t that a bit far to drive? Won’t you get tired? Why do you want to do that? Why don’t you just take a plane?” But then, I have never been one to feel my heart beat to another’s drum. And this time, instead of listening to those voices and saying, “Yeah, you’re probably right,” I am doing what I want. I am enjoying the things I do, not because others do too, but because I do. And you know what, I am happier for it.  I cannot WAIT to get on the road! I cannot WAIT to take that trip. To just drive and drive and drive…I am excited and giddy! I am excited to go with my son. Excited to just travel off on our own. Now I just have to make it through this next week without bursting with excitement!

REPORT:

Turns out, the trip was AMAZING. I found an incredible amount of clarity and direction upon returning home. And now I challenge you to do one thing, as soon as possible, today if you can, that you have been putting off for too long. Is it an apology long overdue? A phone call you should have made years ago? A gift to yourself that you promised you would give yourself, if only (insert excuse here)? Please, however small, seemingly unimportant, or trivial it might seem, if it is nagging at you, do yourself a favor and take care of it. Even if the outcome is not what you expected, the point here is to move beyond your comfort zone and clear whatever energy might be dragging you down. Take action. Let me know how you do!

 

The Open Heart Project

The road to here, for myself, has been long, and like anything, you have to go through it to give the gift to others. So here is what will be the starting point of a gift I have been fine-tuning my whole life. How to have an open heart. Sounds simple enough, and you probably think that you have one. Maybe you do. If you don’t, this blog’s for you. If you do, this blog’s for you too…

I can walk out my front door, and on some days, that’s enough argument for me to feel this is a worthwhile project. I watch the world scramble, race, scream at each other, clammer for what’s theirs, push, shove, admonish, ridicule, criticize, turn away from, and simply ignore. I have done all those things too. Until I found myself literally DRAGGING through my day. DRAGGING. LITERALLY. My feet would barely lift from the ground, my forehead would furrow – and now I have wrinkles to prove it. I couldn’t figure out why. What was wrong?! I tried to eat right, get sleep. Take supplements. Yoga. Finally, it took about 5 or 6 sessions with my acupuncturist saying to me, your heart meridian is weak. Your heart meridian is weak. Your heart is weak. Your palms sweat. Your heart is imbalanced.

It got me thinking. What on earth is wrong with my heart?! I love my family. I love my friends. What could it be?! So I thought….and thought…and read…and meditated. Cried. Ate. Slept. It happened one particular week. People I had lost contact with kept cropping up. I kept feeling unfinished business of the heart appearing. I kept seeing signs of unfinished business between lost friends, lost coworkers. I was feeling this horrible pressing feeling that I had to set things right. But what was wrong? I called a Shaman, I emailed my friend out west that holds a prayer group, I called on some good friends, and had some good one on one prayer time. I prayed. I prayed and prayed and cried and prayed more.  Other details ensued, but ultimately this was my emotional rock bottom.  The result is this project.

I am beginning a journey leading back toward living with purpose and doing so with an open heart. I invite you to join me in the journey, and take part in what will be an incredible experience. In the course of your adventure, you will find out more about you than you ever thought you could know, and meanwhile, spread joy and genuine love as you do so. Your actions will not only help yourself, but also those around you. You will learn what you love about you and what you don’t love. Of those things you don’t love, you will either accept them, or change them. Either way, you will grow. You will help others, and you might find that you become incredibly happy, but for sure, you will become more fulfilled, and all the while, we will be changing the world.